As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
