they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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