I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I believe in your delicious
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
