I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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