things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
