I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
