So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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