what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
