I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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