I smell stomach acid.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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