Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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