My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i think my tv is drunk
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
