the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
