just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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