The best revenge is premature balding
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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