Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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