I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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