apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
