I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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