Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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