Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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