it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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