between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
