Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
