I need to stop coming to work sober
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
