You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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