I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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