it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
