i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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