i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
