I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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