Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
