I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We have started to decorate penises.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
