Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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