On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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