One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
