don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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