guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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