There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
