The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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