So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
