Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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