how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
