I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
