Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I lost the right to judge tonight
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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