so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
