I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
