Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
