He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
