So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
