Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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