i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
